Secret
by Unraveling Angel
Summary: The only reason you did most anything back then was to impress Alison. You were dying to be just like her.
1. Sick

**Secret**

_The only reason you did most anything back then was to impress Alison. You were dying to be just like her._

**Ok I know I have like a billion other things to be doing but I can't focus on any of that until I get this out of my head. All the usual 'don't own' applies here.**

Everything was spiraling out of control, crashing down in flames. Your parents had been getting along, but then he was gone again. He had gone back to his prettier, blonder, skinnier other daughter, no step-daughter-no matter how much you felt like he loved her more. Even Alison liked her better. She told you how you could fix it. She had this whole plan of how you could make yourself the favorite again. But you didn't want to do that. You knew it was bad. But she taunted you so much that all you could hear was her voice in the back of your mind.

"_You can't control anything. Poor poor Hefty Hanna. There is one thing you can try to control-but you're probably too weak…you know what it is."_

You felt awful. Your head was killing you and you felt sick. All day you felt like you were going to throw up but you just couldn't. And you knew exactly why you felt so bad. It was because of those stupid cookies you binged on. You had failed and let yourself eat a whole sleeve of store brand cookies that weren't even worth it. All because you couldn't tell the difference between bored and hungry.

"_Oink. Oink. You're just a little piggy aren't you?"_

It finally became too much and you sat by the toilet for ten minutes, begging your body to just throw up already. You were about to give up when you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. You could see the cold white toilet in your reflection. You could almost hear it calling to you in Alison's voice.

"_You could be so much more Hanna. You could be great but not if you look like this. You know what to do. It's not that bad."_

You had refused to go to that. You knew how bad it could be. You had seen the videos in health class of the girls who did that to themselves and you didn't want to end up like them.

But then again. It would just be this one time. Your body needed to throw up anyway. It would make you feel so much better.

So you gave in, swearing to yourself that it would be just this one time.

You sat back down and pulled your hair up into a messy bun. Placing each folded leg on either side of the toilet, you leaned against the bowl. You looked at your hand in one last attempt to stop yourself but you lifted a finger to your lips anyway, only pausing to take a deep breath before you shoved it as far down as you could.

You gagged. Just a little gag. Then you pulled your finger out and coughed. Nothing. Your head was pounding harder so you tried two fingers. This time your fingers were out of your throat and there was vomit in the toilet before you could process what happened.

You stared down into the water. The thick brown liquid swirled together still looked like the cookie you ate. You actually felt decent-not quite better, but you knew if you did it just a few more times you would feel better.

The first time you hadn't felt anything. The second time you could feel the bile come up and you remember coughing it out. But the third time you reached too far and curved your fingers. The acid stung and burned its way up.

You stopped after that. You pulled away shaking and flushed the evidence. You washed your hands and rinsed out your mouth then stared into the mirror. You didn't know what you were feeling. You wanted to feel bad and disgusted that you had made yourself sick but at the same time you wanted to feel accomplished and proud that you had actually done it. You were full of something that you just couldn't label as any one emotion. But you knew one thing for sure-your head had stopped hurting.

You blotted away your tears then left the bathroom with a smile-and something shining in your eyes because now you had a secret. You had finally done something to get control of your life. You knew everyone else would be against it so you couldn't tell. After all, secrets are no fun when everyone knows.


	2. Tired

**Tired**

_The only reason you did most anything back then was to impress Alison. You were dying to be just like her._

**So I this has been on my laptop forever and I meant to upload it before everything got crazy. I was going to make this a series of related but not necessarily connected one-shots, then I just decided to make them all into chapters of this story. Each chapter can be read on its own or as a part of the series. Also, I feel that I need to add a warning now…anorexia and bulimia are some serious things. I hope this story makes you think but be careful. I don't intend this as a trigger but it could be for someone (you never really know)…so just remember this is a serious subject and should not be taken lightly.**

You were getting better. Were as in past tense. As in not any more. As in before you met Caleb. And before A started pushing you past your breaking point. As in before A got a little too careless (but when has A ever been careless-you should have known it was a trap) and you realized, surprise, someone you thought was your best friend was A. Fucking bitch. Mona...really?

It started off simply enough. Money was tight and if you didn't eat as much the groceries went further. If the groceries lasted longer then so did the money. At least that's what you convinced yourself you were doing. You were helping Mommy because it was kinda your fault money was tight in the first place.

For a while you were ok just cutting back slowly-to save money of course! You were happy with your body. You wouldn't change a thing. No. Not the large thighs or big ass. The thighs were proof that you were a dancer and that the body you had now was earned justly. You didn't cheat your way to where you were. And Caleb seemed to have no problem with your butt being the size it was.

Then you were too stressed to eat. You stomach was in a permanent know. It would get better when A slowed down, which they would eventually. You knew they would. They always did. Perk up with something new and juicy then die down for awhile.

But they didn't slow down. They got worse. And you got closer to finding out their true identity. So close you could almost taste it-oh that's ironic...taste it. Ha. Oh Ana...aren't you just so clever. So maybe between school coming to an end and chasing down the black hooded figured you just forgot to eat every once in awhile...except maybe you didn't just forget.

It got easy to hide. You would tell your mom you were eating with the girls and vice-versa. Occasionally you would have lunch or dinner dates with Caleb and you would have to force down a salad and maybe a dinner roll so he would think nothing was wrong. He would sit across from you destroying a hamburger and you had to tell yourself you were happy with the salad. You over slept one too many times and missed breakfast so your mom bought some of those breakfast bars you could eat on your way to school but they always ended up in your purse as a snack to give anyone who was hungry later.

But when shit hit the fan, you needed to have some sense of control. You wanted everyone to think you were still the beautiful, perfect girl they thought you were before. Ok maybe they didn't think you were perfect but at least they thought you had it together. You have to maintain some sort of normalcy in your life. You saw the problem growing but it wasn't a problem to you. It made you feel strong when everything else seemed to knock you down at least you had the power to control your own body.

New A is too busy making sure you can't have anyone on your side. But it's ok because you can't really believe anyone would choose to be on your side anyway, not after what Mona did. But the texts are more dangerous now. It's not the blackmailing of little things A was doing before. Now its life or death and that scares you enough to make you binge (and after feeling disgusting purge) a few times.

And when it finally becomes too much and you can't take it anymore, you decide to tell Caleb everything about both of the torturous beings that A stands for. Before you can even speak, Caleb comes in upset and you know you won't be able to do it. He tells you about the crash and you understand the text. You want to explain but you can't so you are about to offer up another secret. You are about to use the word anorexia (for the first time ever) and tell him you still need him because A is still out there. But they won't let you. A tries to kill his mom and Ana talks you out of it because he can't help you be as strong as she can.

He's too busy ending things to notice you can't breathe.

You can't control the actions of those you thought you could trust. You can't even control your own life. But you can control when and what you eat or don't eat...in this case it's 'don't eat'. There's so much less to worry about when you don't have to think about eating.


	3. Dizzy

**Dizzy**

_The only reason you did most anything back then was to impress Alison. You were dying to be just like her._

**Ok third chapter. Again serious stuff here people. A lot of this is told by Hanna's thoughts so they will be italicized. **

You were just sitting there when it happened. It had happened many times before but not at school, or even in public and you wanted to keep it that way. No one needed to see you collapse.

You shifted your weight in the seat as much as you could but it hurt your body to be in such an uncomfortably hard chair. You squeezed your toes; you had read somewhere that sometimes you felt dizzy because a lack of blood flow to your legs and that could help. Nothing was working and you felt like you were about to be sick (and not forced for once).

"I'm really not feeling well, may I go to the nurse?" your hand shot up, interrupting the teacher. She looked at you and, probably seeing how pale you were getting, waved you on despite her no one leaves in the last fifteen minutes of class rule.

You picked up your things and walked out of the classroom, taking all the strength in your body not to look a mess when you walked past the entire class.

Once outside the door, you slacked off a bit and there was no recovering.

_Hanna Hanna Hanna...so weak you can't sit through a full week of classes. Everyone is gonna know your secret if you keep this up._

You stumbled with each step as you tried to gain your footing on the flat surface that shouldn't be nearly as hard as it was becoming. One foot stomped down with shaky legs canceling out the motion. The next step swayed your entire body. Your vision began to black out and the ringing in your head canceled out all the noise around you.

_Fuck. Not now. Not here. Going down…_

You didn't know who was helping you but someone had their arms around your waist moving the body you couldn't control. You could hear muffled concerned voices trying to communicate with you but responding in any way seemed too difficult and talking was definitely out of the question. Your head slumped forward and you failed. You failed miserable. You just wanted to get out to your car so no one would see you like this but instead it seems the entire school just witnessed you passing out.

"Hanna…Hanna…please say something…" you heard a familiar voice ask. You had no idea who it was. You couldn't even tell if the speaker was male or female but it was somehow comforting to you.

You tried to vocalize anything to show you heard them. Instead you just turned your head toward the noise slowly. It was him. Seriously!

Of all the people who had to witness this it had to be the boy who had sent you into a tailspin a few weeks ago when he broke your heart. You had cried yourself sick and refused to eat more than what was shoved down your throat (which you then forced back up and out of your system). You really hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Hanna...can you hear me?" he begged.

As his face came into focus, you forced yourself to look away and you realized how awkward of a position you were in. It wouldn't be too hard for everyone to find out your secret.

"I'm fine. Let go of me. I need to go home," you growled once you found the ability to acknowledge his presence.

"Obviously, you're not fine," he countered, refusing to let go of you as he helped you to your feet. And you were glad he hadn't let go. Your legs were still shaky so standing on your own would've resulted in another tumble.

"Just let me go, you don't care anyway," you begged. You hated begging especially because when you looked him in the eyes you almost lost it.

"Do you really think I don't care about you at all? If I let you go now, I'll have to worry about whether or not you make it home in one piece. And I'll still be worried when you get home. You wanna know why Hanna? It's because I see what you're doing to yourself and it's dangerous," he said as his grip was tightening with each sharp word.

"Hanna?" Emily asked as she rounded the corner and found you in Caleb's arms.

"Thank God," you sighed, "will you please drive me home?"

"Hanna I'm not done with this," Caleb argued catching Emily in an awkward position.

"Please Emily, I'm not feeling good and I really want to just go lay down," you plead, ignoring Caleb.

"Uhm...well I actually have to stay for swim team practice..." she apologized, hurrying off to the gym.

"Look I can stand on my own now. Will you please just let me go home?" she turned back to Caleb.

"Fine. Do what you want. You never listen to me anyway," he huffed letting go and turning to storm off.

"Oh and Hanna, I still care about you whether you believe me or not," he stopped to call over his shoulder as you resumed buttoning your coat on your way out to your car.


	4. Cold

**Cold**

_The only reason you did most anything back then was to impress Alison. You were dying to be just like her._

**Ok fourth chapter, only one more left. Again serious stuff here people. This, unlike all the other chapters, picks up right after the last one ended and the one after this will do the same.**

You stop to glare at Caleb before turning around. You don't want him to see you this pathetic. You're physically shaking. You're so very cold that layers and layers of thick sweaters and heavy coats can't keep you warm enough. You just want out of this situation. Because you know that if you could pull yourself back into Caleb's arms and snuggle against his warm chest you wouldn't be so cold.

You fidget with the buttons on your coat.

_Oh come on please._

You beg your fingers to cooperate with you long enough to button up enough to walk out to your car. If you could just get to your car before you broke. Your frail fingers can't even button a God damn coat. You give up on the coat and just pulled it around you tightly.

Your exposed fingers feel like they might snap when you step out into the cold air. Breathing it in burns your chest and you regret your wish for summer to be over and winter to be cold. You thought you would be able to hide your progress better under lots of layers but it's not worth being so cold to the bone. No one else seems to see it as progress. They all think it's sick and disgusting and you know better. You know they're just jealous of you. They want you to stop because you're so close to body perfection you can almost reach out and take it.

You're cold down in your bones and no number of coats could ever be thick enough to warm you up. You pull on layer after layer of sweaters and thermal long sleeve shirts. You try to still look pulled together but it's easier not to. It's easier not to draw too much attention to yourself. A did enough of that. Now you convince yourself that the old Hanna is gone and the new Hanna doesn't need people. You can rely on yourself and only yourself-but that doesn't mean you don't care about others. You still love people; you just don't trust them enough to let them know how much you truly care.

"Come to the grille tonight-alone-or you lose everyone starting with Caleb. –A"

You read the text quickly and don't grasp its meaning at first. All you really need to know is that A knows your secret and is using it against you. So of course you make a plan to go tonight and go alone. Sure you may not still technically be with Caleb but that doesn't mean you care any less. You have just gotten really good at putting up facades to hide what you're feeling. If they can't see it written on your face, maybe they can't use it against you anymore. They will think you are strong again and they won't see how close you are to crumbling under the pressure.

You go alone and stand shivering outside in the darkness, away from the street lamps that bring attention to you. When a dark car pulls up, you use every ounce of determination you have left to stop shaking long enough to look and see who it is.

"Get in before you freeze to death," he growls from inside the car.

"Caleb, no. You can't be here. You have to leave," you stutter, partially because of the cold and partially because of your nerves.

"Why?" he asks, obviously aware of your reasoning, and reaches across to open the passenger's side door.

"Hanna I sent that text. I'm A. Now get in the car," he continues when you don't give him an answer.

When you get in the car, he turns up the heat because he sees you try to suppress the shivers. You think it's an unnecessary gesture and focus on anything but how much you want to reach across the console and kiss him.

Twenty minutes later, pulls the car into a dark parking spot on the other side of town. He turns the car off but leaves it on enough so the heat keeps going. He turns to face you and you shake under his glare.

"Hanna, look at me. You can't keep doing this to yourself," he begs, reaching out to run his hand down your face.

"Don't touch me. You have no idea what is going on in my life," you quip. You jerk away at his touch. He can't touch you. No one can touch you. You don't deserve affectionate touches like what he is trying. You aren't there yet.

"Because you won't let me. You cut me out of your life," he begins with a sigh.

"No. You're the one who broke up with me completely out of the blue," you interrupt.

"I broke up with you after you had already stopped telling me anything. Obviously there's another A but you didn't tell me about that. You were keeping secrets...like this," he explained pausing before continuing, "You have to stop this. You're killing yourself. You need help."

"You don't have any idea what you're talking about. Just leave me alone. A is gonna find out and use it against me and hurt you again. A was the one who ran your mom off the road just because I thought about telling you. What do you think they would do if they found out you actually knew," you bark before turning to glare out the window. If you knew you could make it home and Caleb wouldn't follow you, you would have started walking by now.

"I'm not asking your permission Hanna. I'm going to help you," he says leaning over to kiss you and suddenly you can't breathe. Your breath just gets stuck in your throat and it's like you're choking on air.

"Hanna, I still love you," he whispers in your ear as his hands find yours. Your heart is pounding in your chest but that doesn't stop him from kissing you harder. It feels so good to be wanted again. You can't stop and even if you could you wouldn't want to.

His hands are roaming your body and you're moving to the backseat together before you realize what's happening. He pulls off your thick coat leaving you in a tight sweater he pulls off you too. The tight shirt you had underneath reveals your ribcage and your fears come rushing back to you. Obviously it isn't fair that he had you down so many layers while he still has his sweatshirt on. You pull it over his head, hoping it distracts him from your disgusting body. But it doesn't. His fingers have found their way into the dips between your ribs. And his eyes search for yours.

When you meet his gaze you know he's not pleased with your progress.

"Hanna," he breathes as his eyes show the desperation in his voice.

"Just don't say it," you reply. You're too into the moment now. You can't let him ruin it. He's seen this much already.

But you can't make it much longer. You haven't eaten all day and the blackness is taking over your vision again. You just lay there and let him see your body for the disgusting, ugly thing it is while you lose control. You can barely hear him mumbling soft words into your ear and you can't command your mouth to form words. You give into the darkness.

When you come to, Caleb has put your coat around you and is carrying you inside your house. He takes you to your bed and pulls off your shoes. He tucks the blankets around you tightly (because you shivered a little when your frail body hit the cold sheets) and leaves.

You hear him wake up your mom.


End file.
